9 months waiting. For most people at nine months they are packing the hospital bag, putting the finishing touches on the nursery, and buying newborn diapers. But we're not like most people and we never will be haha. A lot of you have asked for an update and I'm sorry that we missed the past few updates. So here are a few updates over the past two months-
Month #7 was a tough one. We were unsure what we were doing and what we wanted to do. Every year as the summer creeps up we get busy with work and often many things get left in the dust. Sadly enough, the adoption was one of those things. If you know me you know that I'm an over planner. We never go on vacation just to relax by the pool all day and we never have a free weekend or evening. Well I found out that when you add over-planning with working two jobs, David working one full time job and helping out with the youth program at church, other church activities and commitments, doing paperwork for an adoption, and networking events you get panic attacks. I've never had a panic attack before so when I was driving in the rain on the way to work one morning and passed the place where I got into a pretty traumatizing car accident this winter I wondered why my heart was beating incredibly hard. I couldn't breathe. And I honestly thought I was going to die. I remember I kept thinking, this is what death feels like. I got to work and sat down immediately- taking deep breaths and trying to relax. Nothing was getting better. My heart still felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I thought soon enough my lungs where going to give way. So what did I do- I googled it. I google everything so this was no surprise. After reading for a few minutes I realized I was indeed having a panic attack.
After this panic attack and another one just a few days later I realized my body could not handle my jam packed schedule even though things needed to be done, deadlines needed to be made, and paperwork needed to be signed. So we started cutting stuff from our life. We stopped saying yes to every party and networking event. David started doing some things in the early morning rather than after work so I could be with him. And then even after that there was still too much on our plates. The only thing we could cut out was the adoption.
What does that mean for us now you're probably asking. Let me start from the beginning- if you've been following our journey you know that we are now pursuing Independent adoption. What that means is that we will do all our paperwork and home study through our agency but they are not in charge of connecting us with a baby/expecting mom- that's our job now. So through networking, social media, and a few other avenues we will search out our baby/expectant mom. Because of the independent adoption there is nothing that is keeping us from being placed with a baby unlike if our agency was matching us we would have to have our paperwork and home study done. So we have decided that we are going to backload the paperwork rather than front load it. We have a few reasons for this-
1. If we file all our paperwork and do our home study and have not been matched with a baby in a year then we have to amend our home study which is hundreds-thousands of dollars extra. Also, we are currently looking at buying a house and if our home study is done and we move then we will again have to pay hundreds-thousands of dollars to amend the home study.
2. In our application we have to sign a waiver that says that with independent adoption our agency is not responsible for matching us with a baby which may mean that we will never become matched. Though we do hope and pray that God gives us a baby we do not want to be frivolous with our money and the money that some of you have generously donated. By backloading the paperwork we will wait until we have news of a expectant mom who is very serious about giving us her child. Then we will either go through our agency to do the home study or go through a lawyer.
3. We're busy and we're enjoying our life. I wasn't able to say this a couple months ago but now I can honestly say I have peace. I have peace in what our life is right now. I have peace that God is holding me so tight and loves me so much. Not being a mom still hurts. Going on a run and seeing a parents push their new baby in a stroller still stings. Watching dads cheer on their kids at sports games still makes me cry but I can handle it now because of God's grace in giving me strength. It's really an awesome feeling.
So that's what we've been hashing over the past few months. We appreciate your prayers so much- please don't stop! Because I can feel them so much right now! Please pray that we continue to feel God's peace and comfort to us. Thank you again for following our journey!
(Oh and sorry for a non-updated photo- I'll get to that some day)